The Adventures of A-star and B-boy

A practical guide to choosing a crib

If you're reading this, chances are you already have a crib. I offer this advice in case you don't, or you have friends who need a crib.

Some people buy cribs based on decor, some based on price, most buy them as a combination of the two factors. These are good factors to consider when buying a crib. Let me add the final factor to consider.

Go get the heaviest Bag of Rice you can. Flour is for suckers; flour is packed tight. If your Baby eventually feels like a bag of flour, you haven't been playing with it enough. Anyway, go to Chinatown, and get the biggest bag you can find. If you don't live near a Chinatown, go to the local bulk barn and get at least 15 pounds of rice in a bag. You could get less, but your paeditrician will probably tell you to feed you BOR until it reached a healthy weight of 15 pounds. Eventually your BOR will be 15 pounds (or more) anyway. Once you have your BOR, you're ready, head down to your prospective crib.

Stand next to the crib, cradling the BOR gently in your arms. If you can, do this while jet-lagged or try not to sleep for a day. Now, the first step is to set your BOR gently down on its' side. Remember that your BOR can sense when your arms shift its' body away from your body, so do this slowly. The last thing you want is your BOR's eyes to suddenly pop open.

If you've gotten this far, it's time to lower your BOR carefully into the crib. Your BOR can sense when it's being lowered, so if you hear any rice shifting around, it's pretty much game over; pick up your BOR and soothe it to sleep again. Once you get your BOR on the crib, it's time to turn the BOR on its' back. You could try putting the BOR down directly on its' back, but, as it turns out, BOR's are more likely to wake up when sleeping on their backs, so you have to trick it. Naturally, the safest way for your BOR to sleep is on its' back. Another one of Mother Nature's cruel jokes. Again, if you here a lot of rice shifting around, forget it, cradle your BOR and start over.

If you've got the BOR on the crib, watch it for a few minutes to make sure it goes to sleep peacefully. At this point, you'll have to imagine that it may not, so go through the whole exercise again. Using your knees is cheating. If you can lower the rail on the crib, do it, but your BOR can feel you doing something other than holding it. Your BOR doesn't like your focus to change.

Do this about every 3 hours, for seven days at least. How does your back feel? If you feel good, you've found your crib. Parents of varying heights will have to decide which parent's back is more important. When you're done, go have a bowl of rice. It's packed with carbs and you'll need the energy.